Thursday, August 25, 2011

the silent disease...

Whether you have it, or someone you know has it, or whether you don't know anything about it at all... this is why I'm writing today.

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and physical well-being. Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, or problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions; and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may be present.

Most of the time, I have good days. There are times where I want to be alone, or don't want to be touched, or sleep all day. And that's okay. But it's usually not an all day experience. Yesterday, was a bad day. I didn't feel guilty or irritable; I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be yelled at, or brushed off. I need comfort. I need someone to TRULY understand and WANT to understand. Instead of asking me why I'm being so rude, ask me if there is anything you can do for me. I appreciate comforting words. I may not like to be touched, but comforting words means everything to me.

Not everyone has experienced this massive disease. A few years ago, I remember crying my eyes out, driving down the road, pleading with myself to run it into a tree. I can't explain why I felt like that. I can't explain ANYTHING about depression - but I can say that it's something you have to deal with every single day of your life. And it's difficult - your whole day revolves around keeping yourself in your "bubble". My medicine helps - it does - but there are still times where it gets to me. Where I feel like I'm in a hole and I just can't get out, so I go deeper and deeper.

Getting out of that hole is the hard part. It may take days, weeks, months. I might cry, scream, laugh. Be awake at all hours of the night. Sleep all day. Sometimes I don't know what to do. Making my bows are an outlet - so is reading, looking up recipes. But do I want to cook every night? No. But I know I have to. There are certain things you learn to juggle - and certain things to just leave alone. It's a learning curve.

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